I’ve been quite depressed lately. And it sucks a lot.
I’ve put off writing this post for several reasons. One of which is, I hate being negative. But real life is not always positive. And I realize the importance of sharing the true nature of bipolar depression. Plus, I always appreciate it when others do.
Another reason is that because I’m depressed, I just haven’t felt like it. I haven’t felt like doing anything that I typically enjoy. Well, except for laying in bed and watching Weeds on Netflix. In fact, that’s all I feel like doing.
But I’m alive and thankfully I’m still grateful for that.
Most of the time I kind of feel like a zombie. Numb and naturally sedated. Apathetic. Foggy.
I feel like I’m bouncing back and forth between two worlds as I try to fight off this familiar demon. Some days I’m able to get the upper hand. I may be doing the bare minimum but I’m able to be around my family and enjoy their hilarity.
Other days, or even later the same day, I sink. Depression swallows me up again. It reminds me that it never left and that it was only allowing me a brief reprieve. I return to my zombie-like state. My house could burn down around me and I probably wouldn’t flinch.
I feel as if I’m suffocating.
I try not to think too much. Right now my mind is a dangerous place that I do not need to explore on my own. My suicidal ideations have become more prevalent. Which also sucks. Especially considering that there was a short period of time in which I didn’t have any at all! A very short period, but still. It was nice. I remember thinking, this is how “normal” people must feel all the time.
But I’m still hopeful. And because bipolar disorder is change, I know that I may feel this way again, but I won’t feel this way forever. So I will continue to do the best that I can. That’s all I can do! Gratitude helps.
This Bring Me the Horizon song pretty much sums it up [icons size=’fa-lg’ custom_size=” icon=’fa-music’ type=’normal’ position=” border=’no’ border_color=” icon_color=’#b1984d’ background_color=” margin=” icon_animation=” icon_animation_delay=” link=” target=’_self’]
What helps you through bipolar depression?