I Am Strong

I Am Strong - #MentalIllness #IAmStrong

I am strong.

Living with mental illness has undoubtedly strengthened my soul and my will to live. Fighting a daily battle with my brain simply to stay alive is exhausting. It’s a difficult battle to understand. But I am not alone. And that makes me strong.

What makes this fight unique is that I’m often able to conceal it. Sometimes I hide the ugly realities of my illness from others, I wouldn’t want to scare them. What would they think if they really knew what went on behind these eyes and inside this mind?

This is the dirtiest of fights. All bets are off and there’s nothing fair about it. Anything goes. Fight to the death! That seems to be the ultimate goal. My brain is literally trying to kill me! It’s a knock-out, drag-down fight. Gloves off. And I win everyday.

I am strong. I am strong. I am strong.

I’m growing keen to anxiety’s trickeries. I’m learning not to listen to depression’s lies. I’m learning healthy coping tools to implement when self harm cravings strike. I’m learning to pick-up the phone or go to a meeting before I take a drink. I’m learning to ask for help when I need it. I’m building a support network. I’m a messy work in progress. But I am strong.

Line_BlackTell me how mental illness has made you strong! Leave a comment!


 Krista-Lee-Pfeiffer :: Blogger & Creator of TheSunnyShadow.com


10 Comments

  1. Michele

    Krista, your husband suggested I check your site out as he heard me say one day I take lithium and asked me what for as he unloaded some boxes in out warhouse. I’ve been san bagging your blog for few months off and on between my roller coasters. I have Complex PTSD on top biploar with rapid cycling. I’m a hot mess and constantly fighting with myself. Honestly, don’t think anyone understands and on bad cycles I really don’t give a flying ‘f’ about anything and have the darkest outlook o. Life which really seems to make sense to me. On good days I know it’s all still there and I feel like I can fly and no one can hurt me because what I know already in truth is the real pain and I have felt it more than what other think what pain is. – wierd stuff actually in what I’m saying right now. I don’t really like myself and fight that everyday too. I am high risk per my doctors.

    I’ve been a very successful person and now in my life I am not as I once was. I wonder if you live close cause I wish I could talk eye to eye to someone who may possibile relate. I suppose it would be comforting to see that same contorted emotion in someone elses eyes and wonder if that would soothing. I know that terrible.

    I don’t think my lithium is working. I have side effects that I can hardly explain. And seems like my moods are getting worse and more frequent lately. Not sure if it’s holiday causing it… then there is the whole thought of I don’t want to take my meds. My hair is falling out… I’m gaining weight… that alone would throw anyone into a jacked up mood. If you looked you WTF in the urban dictionary you will find my picture. Anyhow… I have cycled some severe mania and I warned my therapist something is off… but he didn’t get it. My psyc is s douche bag so I am seeing a new one next week… she better be good. All in all I am scared at the moment and all alone. Even though I have family and friends… they don’t understand and don’t think meds are needed and that I don’t have bipolar lile I am making this up or they are afraid of me.

    Krista… Strong? Yes you are. I know you don’t wish this crap on anyone because it is so painful on a level unexplainable. It’s difficult for me to say this part because I am going to sound like a hypocrite. I don’t know how I get through each day… because there are days … many of them… I think my existance was a mean joke our creator did to the scope of love. But I try to get through to be the strength for those I love becuase they chose me to love them…even down to my dogs. I try to remember that when I can’t remeber due to a real bad mental episode. The cycle is vicious and it ages me and at rapid speed latley.

    My advice from your new friend…whether you want it or not… accept it or not…. believe it or not… this is what we have; the world as we know it- feel it- see it- taste it etc etc… none if it is fair and to me I will say most of it is bulls***. I can go on and on. Today is a bad day for me. I’ve been spiraling. And I have filled out my daily logs for therapy in 2 weeks and I don’t care because I have felt good to write anything so he can critique my mental jacked upness. That alone is difficult for me. And this new psycitrist scares me… yeah I am afraid to share my morbid thoughts to land myself in some hospital. I have better sense than that. I am really tired of close people around me stereotyping me. I am strong because I’m not running away when that is what I normally do. I am doing my best to confront it.

    Hey let’s go get a tattoo on our forehead that states we arw strong. Lol. Just kidding.

    Anyhow… I know I can be a spaz… I’ve learned you feel what you feel and there is nothing wrong with it. That has helped me some.

    Michele

    1. Hi Michele, I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling so much right now. You probably wanted to vomit when you read this post, “I am strong.” Lol. I’m sorry that it found you at a bad time. I can definitely relate. But say I felt strong that day, or that hour. Later that night I may not have. And the next morning I may not have been able to get out of bed. This post was written as much to motivate myself as it was to motivate and inspire others.

      I have been in your place, though I’ve only experienced ultra rapid-cycling for a few months this past summer. It was awful and I couldn’t imagine living with it on a regular basis. Though I wish hypomania was my normal, it isn’t. Depression is. Most days I struggle to get out of bed. Once I make it out I do okay but making it out is hard. I really struggled with the mixed states. And I understand the dark thoughts too, so dark to where you don’t want to tell anyone for fear of scaring them or like you said, landing yourself in the psych unit. But I’ve learned that I have to, dammit. And at one point I was 45 lbs. heavier thanks to risperdal. This disorder is brutal. As are the medications that treat it.

      And you ARE strong! You’re working your ass off! You’re going to therapy and even doing homework for heavens sake. Seeing your psychiatrist regularly, taking your medication regularly despite the side effects, and you’re holding down a job. And that’s just what I know. We’re our own worst critics so I’m sure there’s much more worth patting yourself on the back for. It may be difficult to hear this right now but, if you keep at it, you and your psychiatrist will find the right combination of meds and therapy will continue to progress {if you’re happy with your therapist}. Just please don’t give up. You’re clearly strong, I think it’s a requirement for this disorder. I don’t think weak people have bipolar disorder 😉

      I love your sense of humor through it all! I’m going to go look up “WTF” in the dictionary now. . . Oh, if you go to The Sunny Shadow Facebook page you can direct message me there anytime! -Krista

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