Just Another Mixed State with an Urge to Self-Harm

Just Another Mixed State with an Urge to Self-Harm | TheSunnyShadow.com >> Click to Read!*Trigger WarningThis post may contain triggers surrounding self-injury. Please take a minute to read The Sunny Shadow Disclaimer.

I often write about my bipolar mood swings after the fact, so I want to try something different. Write about it now. While I’m actually experiencing a bipolar mixed state. Oh, & FYI – I’ve been ultra rapid-cycling lately. Sorry in advance if it’s a bit inarticulate.

I feel . . .

Clenched, tight . . . full of rage that I can’t let out. This rage I just want to explode but I have a craving to do it in a not so healthy way. I also feel tearful at the same time. Sad but full of rage but apathetic but irritable, & like I could explode at the same time. Does this make sense? No. That’s why it’s a disorder.

I have a craving to grab a sharp object, any sharp object, & ever so slowly glide it against my skin. Deep, not too deep, but deep enough that I see a little blood & I feel . . . I FEEL . . . that familiar & grounding burn. But then I’ll do it again, & again, & again. *Bonus: I’ll feel that burn for days… when I shower, when I get dressed, when anything rubs against my broken skin, I’ll feel it.

But no matter how much I romanticize self-harm in my mind, it’s covered in a veil of shame. I have to hide. I have to make sure that no one’s going to walk in on me . . . You know, like my KIDS?! I have to make sure that the physical placement of each cut is in a discreet location, so that there’s no visible evidence. I don’t need a repeat of the past. My family members hid all knives & other sharp objects, like if I saw one I’d be overtaken by an uncontrollable compulsion to hurt myself.

. . . . . . . . . The rage is gone now. Just tears. I can’t stop them, & that in itself is rage-producing. Now I want to self-harm to stop this. This whole process is exhausting & frustrating. The negotiating is tiresome; my shadow trying to justify self-harm but my conscious, rational self being, well, rational . . .  telling my shadow, “NO.” Usually rationality wins out, but there sure has been lots of negotiations lately.

Some part of me enjoys this sick place, that’s the piece I don’t understand. Why do I like it here? Is it the familiarity? I’ve said this before, I know, but I’m concerned that one day I might stay here. The thing is, I know I wouldn’t actually stay here. I would unwillingly fall deeper into this darkness, which turns into hopelessness, helplessness, psychosis, & being held against my will in institutions. And eventually suicidal ideation would evolve into the most organized plan I’ve ever made.

SO, the question: should I cut? It may bring me out of this quicker. -That’s just my shadow making justifications, isn’t it? Isn’t it?


7 comments on “Just Another Mixed State with an Urge to Self-Harm
  1. Khalie says:

    Around 7 months ago it was suggested that I had bipolar NOS, and they weren’t willing to specify anything further. But wow, does this sound exactly like my mind sometimes. You basically spoke exactly the thought circles I go through. It’s almost eerie.

  2. Janice baker says:

    You just described exactly how I feel. The self-harm thing is huge with my mood swings. I’ve not read that it’s associated with bi-polar disorder I’ve always thought it was something else I needed to fix.
    Thank you so much!

    • Hi Janice, I’m sorry that you too struggle with self-harm. It’s not necessarily associated with bipolar disorder nor a symptom. I just think that some people with bipolar, as with other mental illnesses, turn to self-harm at some point in their lives as a means of coping. Because we’ve never learned other, more self-serving coping tools. But we can overcome it, beat the urges and replace it with other coping tools.

      Thanks for visiting! -Krista

    • Jim Mossman says:

      Your first paragraph so exactly states so many of my mixed-state experiences that I might have written it myself. Thank you for your honesty. The “craving” you describe in your following sentence is similar to a compulsion I have, and have had for many years, but not to cut myself. Rather a powerful urge to take a knife and plunge it deeply into my body. Oddly, I have no emotional wish to end my life; nor is the compulsion intellectual. It’s not that I consider hurting myself, but that I have to stop myself from doing so.

  3. Sandra says:

    Yeah. Your shadow is an asshole Krista-Lee. Don’t listen to it. You’ve got this. I get the self-harming, it’s my go-to when I feel out of control but mine doesn’t leave external scars (I’m probably going to perforated my colon, but I’ll deal with that later). We really should lean on each other. I find such solace knowing I’m not alone in this. So thank you for everything.
    Sandra recently posted…Would This Be Okay If It Was Cancer?My Profile

    • I love your sense of humor. And yes, we should definitely lean on one another! DM me, email, whatever you prefer. I’ll give you my phone number too. Seriously, there’s no reason to battle this alone. And thank YOU!

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