Just Another Mixed State with an Urge to Self-Harm

Just Another Mixed State with an Urge to Self-Harm | TheSunnyShadow.com >> Click to Read!*Trigger WarningThis post may contain triggers surrounding self-injury. Please take a minute to read The Sunny Shadow Disclaimer.

I often write about my bipolar mood swings after the fact, so I want to try something different. Write about it now. While I’m actually experiencing a bipolar mixed state. Oh, & FYI – I’ve been ultra rapid-cycling lately. Sorry in advance if it’s a bit inarticulate.


I feel . . .

Clenched, tight . . . full of rage that I can’t let out. This rage I just want to explode but I have a craving to do it in a not so healthy way. I also feel tearful at the same time. Sad but full of rage but apathetic but irritable, & like I could explode at the same time. Does this make sense? No. That’s why it’s a disorder.

I have a craving to grab a sharp object, any sharp object, & ever so slowly glide it against my skin. Deep, not too deep, but deep enough that I see a little blood & I feel . . . I FEEL . . . that familiar & grounding burn. But then I’ll do it again, & again, & again. *Bonus: I’ll feel that burn for days… when I shower, when I get dressed, when anything rubs against my broken skin, I’ll feel it.

But no matter how much I romanticize self-harm in my mind, it’s covered in a veil of shame. I have to hide. I have to make sure that no one’s going to walk in on me . . . You know, like my KIDS?! I have to make sure that the physical placement of each cut is in a discreet location, so that there’s no visible evidence. I don’t need a repeat of the past. My family members hid all knives & other sharp objects, like if I saw one I’d be overtaken by an uncontrollable compulsion to hurt myself.

. . . . . . . . . The rage is gone now. Just tears. I can’t stop them, & that in itself is rage-producing. Now I want to self-harm to stop this. This whole process is exhausting & frustrating. The negotiating is tiresome; my shadow trying to justify self-harm but my conscious, rational self being, well, rational . . .  telling my shadow, “NO.” Usually rationality wins out, but there sure has been lots of negotiations lately.

Some part of me enjoys this sick place, that’s the piece I don’t understand. Why do I like it here? Is it the familiarity? I’ve said this before, I know, but I’m concerned that one day I might stay here. The thing is, I know I wouldn’t actually stay here. I would unwillingly fall deeper into this darkness, which turns into hopelessness, helplessness, psychosis, & being held against my will in institutions. And eventually suicidal ideation would evolve into the most organized plan I’ve ever made.

SO, the question: should I cut? It may bring me out of this quicker. -That’s just my shadow making justifications, isn’t it? Isn’t it?

Krista-Lee-Pfeiffer


7 Comments

  1. Khalie

    Around 7 months ago it was suggested that I had bipolar NOS, and they weren’t willing to specify anything further. But wow, does this sound exactly like my mind sometimes. You basically spoke exactly the thought circles I go through. It’s almost eerie.

  2. Janice baker

    You just described exactly how I feel. The self-harm thing is huge with my mood swings. I’ve not read that it’s associated with bi-polar disorder I’ve always thought it was something else I needed to fix.
    Thank you so much!

    1. Hi Janice, I’m sorry that you too struggle with self-harm. It’s not necessarily associated with bipolar disorder nor a symptom. I just think that some people with bipolar, as with other mental illnesses, turn to self-harm at some point in their lives as a means of coping. Because we’ve never learned other, more self-serving coping tools. But we can overcome it, beat the urges and replace it with other coping tools.

      Thanks for visiting! -Krista

    2. Jim Mossman

      Your first paragraph so exactly states so many of my mixed-state experiences that I might have written it myself. Thank you for your honesty. The “craving” you describe in your following sentence is similar to a compulsion I have, and have had for many years, but not to cut myself. Rather a powerful urge to take a knife and plunge it deeply into my body. Oddly, I have no emotional wish to end my life; nor is the compulsion intellectual. It’s not that I consider hurting myself, but that I have to stop myself from doing so.

  3. Yeah. Your shadow is an asshole Krista-Lee. Don’t listen to it. You’ve got this. I get the self-harming, it’s my go-to when I feel out of control but mine doesn’t leave external scars (I’m probably going to perforated my colon, but I’ll deal with that later). We really should lean on each other. I find such solace knowing I’m not alone in this. So thank you for everything.
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