Finally! The first appointment with my new therapist arrived! Read all about my preparations for “The Big Day” in my last blog post. Hint: I was stressing out – like majorly! There were so many things that could have gone wrong. Like first impressions. Because of this, I thought it was important that I looked my best.
But clearly I did not.
As usual, I stayed up to 3 o’clock the morning of. Thus, I looked exhausted. Thanks to the rainy day, my hair was as big as a house. Even though I had plenty of time to get ready, as usual, I ended up running late. This meant that I didn’t have time to finish my make-up. And to top it all off, I forgot all about the “New Patient” paperwork I was to print-off & fill-out.
But thankfully, my new therapist was not as shallow as I apparently anticipated her to be. She didn’t seem to care about any of these things. She wasn’t even bothered by the fact that I neglected to call my insurance company to find out what my co-pay was.
Of course I apologized. Then I began to tell her that I’m not normally like this. But I couldn’t even finish the sentence before having to interrupt myself to say, “That’s a lie. Yes I am.”
Nice job kid! Great first impression!
Overall, it was great. I like the way it feels. She said that she’s open to criticism & suggestions, which I admire.
What am I planning to get out of therapy?
My new therapist said that it sounds like I know what I want & need. Which is for her to get to know me & my baseline. . . so that she’s able to notice red flags when I’m not capable of doing so. I also want to work on compassion towards a particularly difficult person in my life. And finally, I love self-growth & self-discovery! I plan on using her to assist me in my journey. And the plan is for me to see her every other week. I have a good feeling about this.
There’s just one problem. And honestly, I feel extremely uncomfortable sharing it. So please be nice.
An Old “Problem”
I can foresee a possible problem, down the road. I have an eating disorder or disordered eating. It’s not currently “active” but because I’ve never directly dealt with it, it’s always present. . . the thinking is always there.
I’m not quite sure what to label it. At one point my psychiatrist, seemingly frustrated, told me that I met the criteria for anorexia. But I don’t believe that was a long-term diagnosis, as I’ve been able to suppress it on my own. I’ve used it as a coping tool to varying degrees throughout my life. However, it’s not like I made a conscious decision to do so. Believe me, I wish I didn’t think the things I think.
At the same time, I get a sick satisfaction from knowing that I have this unhealthy coping tool at my disposal. It’s calming in some way. It makes me feel secure. It’s difficult to explain. It’s almost like a security blanket. Thus, I’m not ready to completely let go of it yet.
I’m still sick. So if you ever read a blog post & think, “wow, she’s doing great!” HA! Know that there are many layers.
The possible problem that I foresee is that, my new therapist is very thin. Like very. If I were to have a “reoccurrence,” I think that I may find it difficult to confide in her. Look, I know this sounds crazy & shallow. But I know where my mind goes. I’d like to think that I’m past all of this & it won’t be an issue. But I’m not naive.
So what am I to do? Ditch a great therapist because she’s skinnier than I am? Am I to call all over town asking every female therapist how much she weighs? C’mon!
Those of us with mental illnesses know that finding good mental health care is no cake walk. When it presents itself to you, you’d better snatch it up! I guess the real question is, How sick am I? Am I too sick to face myself?
This new therapist was put in my life for a reason. I can choose to run or I can choose to face my issues head on. I’m leaning towards facing them. But to be honest, I’m not 100% sure yet. For now, I’m going to continue seeing her.
Have any words of wisdom? Feel free to share them with me!